MY ANXIETY AND I

My anxiety and I 

is the two more 

that make me and you three

it is her when I try to read between

words

trying

to read people’s faces 

and trying to 

fill up an empty spot 

that is filled only 

when the bottle is empty

I

am tired

of

trying

to find

what did I say wrong

and your message was 

1 word long

what did I do wrong 

and

I’m expected from everyone

to be strong

I 

have

to be

strong

because I must have done 

something

wrong

I must have done

something

Wrong

and it is her when your raised voice

gives me crooked fingers

and it is her when I change my shirt 

two and three times

worrying for being looked at or being overlooked

and it is her when

I pinch myself 

to stay present 

I have to

stay 

present

my anxiety and I 

go hand in hand 

since the time me and my mom

were still at the same house 

and I had long hair

and a flat chest

and my worth was counted 

in grades

and it was 

just

not

good

enough

my anxiety and I take long walks at night

trying to breath in sync with a car’s alarm

because my mind said to do so

and if I don’t

then the car might explode

and it is her

when

I bite my gums

and when  

I bite my nails

DON’T BITE YOUR NAILS IRINNA

YOU ARE A WOMAN NOW!

and it is me and her 

pushing 

and pushing

the trembling voice down

and lifting higher and higher

my whole house on my shoulders

and the pain of my family

and the cigarette smoke

and the whiskeys

and the heartbeats with no rhythm

and all the 

“I am not ready to be with you”

ALL OF THEM ON MY SHOULDERS

and it is me and her now 

it is me and her now.

ETJN

I keep taking

online therapy tests

about schemas

and the 32 lifetraps

along with the type ETJN

putting numbers

and percentages

in my personality traits

and my mistakes

covered up by

the scientific approach

Of “malakas”

According to

the 16personalities test

I am the type

Of the “commander”

Which is funny

since my mother

used to call me that

accompanied by the phrase

“you will never find a man like that”

for the next man

waiting for me:

I have all the results

printed

and binded

you can read and

make conclusions

before you have

to figure me out.

A CERTAIN AFFECTION

My mother with a very certain affection

teached me how

to do the groceries 

and how

to clean the floor 

like the greek woman I am

and how 

to keep myself safe 

locking the door 

two and three times

stacking chairs behind the door knot

making sure the invaders will not be 

successful this time.

But

the groceries were always wrong 

according to the list

I never cleaned the floor

the way she liked me to

making sure that my steps are always 

visible on the dust

and

I managed to forget the door unlocked 

letting my belongings become a gift

for the ones that lacked affection

As we speak, I still don’t get things quite right

I can not but wonder why

she would comment on my thighs

I can not but wonder what

have I done wrong 

and I can not keep 

a mother satisfied